I'm so afraid of taking chances, how do you reach the top?
So I'm not supposed to sleep tonite. Kk patutnya kena tidur pukul 10 tadi tp takboleh tdur pulak. I need to wake up at 4.30 am tomorrow to pick up my dad from his kampung kat India. The plan is to merempit with his gti all the way to KLIA hehehe that's the only thing that's making me excited. And the thought of having nasi lemak tomorrow pessssss.
The last time I woke up at that hour was... hmm.. Time menangis kat surau Langkawi sorang2 dalam gelap? haha i think that is the most prominent in my memory. I've never felt more vulnerable and scared than how I felt that time. Semangat kot nak pegi qiamulail ramai2 then as it happened nobody turned up pun. So I sat there, did the prayers on my own, and cried for reasons that I'm not too sure of. I guess everything at that time was too overwhelming kot. I remember being so scared too because I was seeing so many things through my head and i hope that i was only imagining it. After habis, I felt relieved. You know, it is the best feeling in the world to do anything dengan ikhlas, and with compassion and love. Anything at all. I think i felt it that time. As quoted by Gandhi;
He may not be Muslim but I feel that he could be a better one than the rest of us, including me. I'm still a Believer, in fact I am still bias when I read all sorts of arguments regarding facts especially those to I can relate to religion. But one thing that I stand firmly to my ground is that I don't believe in superiority. Kenapa kita nak label non-muslim orang kafir? padahal diorang tak tahu apa2 pun and some of them have hearts bigger than any of us. And to this I feel the sense of need to include the relationship between muslims as well; to the practicers and non-practicers. I know to some of the people who knows me and reading this might think that I've lost all the credibility to talk about these kind of stuffs, and that's another thing that I don't like. Dropping my hijab does not mean that I'm dropping my faith, it's just that I need to straighten out my purpose again. My purpose of wearing hijab the last time was only to fit in, and at the end of the day that reason is not strong enough for me to keep wearing it as my demographic changes. I like open discussions, though i tend to stay away from the overly emotional ones. I know perfectly there are so many things that I should learn and I will never ever claim that I'm saying is right. So many things that I need to know whether if it is right or wrong, because sometimes i feel that my akal says it's right, but my conscience says it is wrong. I pray that I get to learn all these one day and perhaps that will bring my closer to Him. I'm struggling, but I'm trying. I pray that one I'll do everything out of love, not just because of fear and duty.
Too much serious talk lol.
I'm very stressed out with ets right now. It is supposed to send my toefl scores to all of my univs more than a month ago! But none of my univs had accepted it. I have no idea what to do except to wait. But I'm scared that i'm waiting too long and then I'll miss out! Adoi.
I am too currently looking out for a job. I want a job that pays me more than RM8 per hour. Less than that I'd rather do it for charity. Which I don't really mind actually. I don't really feel like working as a typical waitress and cashier or any of that sort of stuff anymore. I'm looking for something that allows me to expand, contribute and learn. Killa suggested me to work at SPCA haha. or kindergartens! I was checking out this art store and it's currently opening for hire. Too bad it's in OU cos i don't think i'd want to commute daily. :/ tah pape kan i ni. nak kerja tapi mengada sangat. see first la.
I'm going to somewhere in China end of this month and I still don't have the guts to tell my boyfriend yet. I can't type his name here cos nnt die jumpa thru the google search lol. Yeap die tak bace my posts if die tgok takde name die hehe. B if ur reading this im joking! :D I really hate to go far from him tapi I would really like to have a vacation. :/ Especially a vacation where I get to wear a leather jacket and boots haha. Ada dekat zara tu smart kot kaler blue woooooooo hari tu sale rm200+ je wooooo leather jacket tu wooooo T.T I wish I can go somewhere with him someday! Not our typical outings to malls, restaurants and parks tapi to a real new different place! I feel more excited when he's around, and I tend to appreciate more things. I can't wait to fly off lol berangan univ pun tak settle lagi.
I wish I can go to India. haha tiba2 kan. Tak g india nak tgok Tajmahal! and ofcourse beli kain. Capetown jugak because sane so cantikkk. I've never been there before but my parents had. Tgok their pictures pun cantik. Lagi nak pegi Spain lagi sekali haha. Spain happens to be my favorite country of all! It's comfortably comfortable, and extremely rich of histories and cultures. Perfect. I want to take pictures at Grand Canyon, jog kat San Francisco or Brooklyn, melawat Niagara Falls, snow boarding in the mountains, cook and sleep in a small cottage anywhere quaint, pegi Comfort Beach haha, and soooooooooo many other things. And there's only one person in my mind that I'm dying to do all these with. :) I don't think it is a need to type it out.
It's 1 am and I still have 4 hours till I'm suppose to wake up. I don't think I want to sleep tapiiiii....... nk buat ape heh.
The last time I woke up at that hour was... hmm.. Time menangis kat surau Langkawi sorang2 dalam gelap? haha i think that is the most prominent in my memory. I've never felt more vulnerable and scared than how I felt that time. Semangat kot nak pegi qiamulail ramai2 then as it happened nobody turned up pun. So I sat there, did the prayers on my own, and cried for reasons that I'm not too sure of. I guess everything at that time was too overwhelming kot. I remember being so scared too because I was seeing so many things through my head and i hope that i was only imagining it. After habis, I felt relieved. You know, it is the best feeling in the world to do anything dengan ikhlas, and with compassion and love. Anything at all. I think i felt it that time. As quoted by Gandhi;
Prayer is not asking. It's the longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words rather than having words without a heart.
He may not be Muslim but I feel that he could be a better one than the rest of us, including me. I'm still a Believer, in fact I am still bias when I read all sorts of arguments regarding facts especially those to I can relate to religion. But one thing that I stand firmly to my ground is that I don't believe in superiority. Kenapa kita nak label non-muslim orang kafir? padahal diorang tak tahu apa2 pun and some of them have hearts bigger than any of us. And to this I feel the sense of need to include the relationship between muslims as well; to the practicers and non-practicers. I know to some of the people who knows me and reading this might think that I've lost all the credibility to talk about these kind of stuffs, and that's another thing that I don't like. Dropping my hijab does not mean that I'm dropping my faith, it's just that I need to straighten out my purpose again. My purpose of wearing hijab the last time was only to fit in, and at the end of the day that reason is not strong enough for me to keep wearing it as my demographic changes. I like open discussions, though i tend to stay away from the overly emotional ones. I know perfectly there are so many things that I should learn and I will never ever claim that I'm saying is right. So many things that I need to know whether if it is right or wrong, because sometimes i feel that my akal says it's right, but my conscience says it is wrong. I pray that I get to learn all these one day and perhaps that will bring my closer to Him. I'm struggling, but I'm trying. I pray that one I'll do everything out of love, not just because of fear and duty.
Too much serious talk lol.
I'm very stressed out with ets right now. It is supposed to send my toefl scores to all of my univs more than a month ago! But none of my univs had accepted it. I have no idea what to do except to wait. But I'm scared that i'm waiting too long and then I'll miss out! Adoi.
I am too currently looking out for a job. I want a job that pays me more than RM8 per hour. Less than that I'd rather do it for charity. Which I don't really mind actually. I don't really feel like working as a typical waitress and cashier or any of that sort of stuff anymore. I'm looking for something that allows me to expand, contribute and learn. Killa suggested me to work at SPCA haha. or kindergartens! I was checking out this art store and it's currently opening for hire. Too bad it's in OU cos i don't think i'd want to commute daily. :/ tah pape kan i ni. nak kerja tapi mengada sangat. see first la.
I'm going to somewhere in China end of this month and I still don't have the guts to tell my boyfriend yet. I can't type his name here cos nnt die jumpa thru the google search lol. Yeap die tak bace my posts if die tgok takde name die hehe. B if ur reading this im joking! :D I really hate to go far from him tapi I would really like to have a vacation. :/ Especially a vacation where I get to wear a leather jacket and boots haha. Ada dekat zara tu smart kot kaler blue woooooooo hari tu sale rm200+ je wooooo leather jacket tu wooooo T.T I wish I can go somewhere with him someday! Not our typical outings to malls, restaurants and parks tapi to a real new different place! I feel more excited when he's around, and I tend to appreciate more things. I can't wait to fly off lol berangan univ pun tak settle lagi.
I wish I can go to India. haha tiba2 kan. Tak g india nak tgok Tajmahal! and ofcourse beli kain. Capetown jugak because sane so cantikkk. I've never been there before but my parents had. Tgok their pictures pun cantik. Lagi nak pegi Spain lagi sekali haha. Spain happens to be my favorite country of all! It's comfortably comfortable, and extremely rich of histories and cultures. Perfect. I want to take pictures at Grand Canyon, jog kat San Francisco or Brooklyn, melawat Niagara Falls, snow boarding in the mountains, cook and sleep in a small cottage anywhere quaint, pegi Comfort Beach haha, and soooooooooo many other things. And there's only one person in my mind that I'm dying to do all these with. :) I don't think it is a need to type it out.
It's 1 am and I still have 4 hours till I'm suppose to wake up. I don't think I want to sleep tapiiiii....... nk buat ape heh.
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